Waking Up
by Red Kasei
Summary: Gary has returned to Pallet, and is befuddled with the changes in the old rival. Can he, too, grow up like his old friend, or will their turbulent past cause a break between them that can never be fixed? Palletshipping Shishi and lemon.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Waking Up

Part One

Author: Red Kasei

Fandom: Pokemon

Rating: T

Warnings: yaoi and swearing

Pairing: Shishi (Shigeru/Satoshi) or Gary/Ash

Summary:

It's been years since Ash and Gary have seen each other, and Ash isn't surprised to see that Gary hasn't changed. But Gary is surprised to see that his childhood friend has change. Very much.

* * *

Pallet Town was just the way he remembered it before he left for college. Things hardly ever changed and he was glad that they didn't. He remembered used to wishing that things would, but after being closely acquainted with folks in the city as an actual civilian he found he preferred having a home that didn't change. Change could be good, but in his experience it was mostly annoying. Changes to deadlines, meetings and the like induced stress and he hated it.

There weren't that many places where budding trainers could go in a big city. It rather made sense why most trainers who came from places like, say, Jubilife, were so inept and out of touch with their pokemon. They had no link to any relative nature of the sort. In cities, pokemon were just pets and his pokemon weren't used to that. He had sent them back home where they would no doubt be happier, but he couldn't help but miss them. He had traveled with them all throughout his early teens before he made his decision to become a real pokemon scientist like his grandfather, so it made sense that their presence would be terribly missed.

Inhaling deeply, he glanced about to see the trees dressed in their best orange and red leaves. The air, though still warm with the remnant of summer, was crisp and clear and a light scent that reminded him of hazelnuts seemed to permeate the air. The grass, now yellow from the blazing summer sun, was starting to gain a little more green and he had no doubt that by the time spring came, the hills would once again be a vivid bright green that would blind any visitor to the town.

He grinned, brushing a hand through his auburn locks. Indeed, Gary Oak was glad to be home again.

* * *

Studying abroad hadn't been one of the best experiences of his life, so Gary was looking forward to getting back to his grandfather's house and just sitting back and relaxing. A little lab experiments, being close to the pokemon; better than any high tech lab and diagrams of pokemon.

The trek up to the house wasn't long, but it gave Gary enough time to notice a few new additions to the house. Another wing was built the back and he could just see it peeking from the side. There was a weathervane twisting on the roof, barely making a squeak and a bike parked outside the front door. As far as he knew, his grandfather never rode bike, nor did he make his own trips to the town; he was far too busy for such mundane things. He figured it was probably that other guy's; Tracy was it?

Regardless, however, all he wanted to do was to get inside, greet his grandfather and then upstairs to unpack and sleep.

As expected, the front door was unlocked.

"Hello?" he called. "Gramps? It's me. I'm home."

Receiving no answer, the man frowned. He had told his grandfather when he was coming home. He even gave him the time and said he'd find his own way to the house. Professor Oak had probably forgotten.

Chagrined, he dropped his bags in the hallway, determined to find the grey-haired coot to remind him that his favorite and only grandson had returned after two years of academic studying.

However, as he entered the lab, instead of finding a hunched over old man in a dirty grey coat, he found himself staring at the back of a young man with ink black hair. Even though he wore a pair of jeans, a white vest and a pair of flip flops, Gary could see he was someone who worked with the professor, as he seemed to be in the middle of rearranging the vast number of files that littered the table. From what he could see from his position in the doorway, the person was a young boy, at least fifteen years of age. His skin was tanned a shade lighter than his own, so he presumed the boy also worked outside with the pokemon as well as inside assisting his grandfather.

And the boy, regardless of being a couple of years Gary's junior, had a very nice backside.

"Ahem," he coughed, attempting to gain the other's attention.

It worked, as the boy gave a squeak ad juggled the files that were threatening to fly from his hands and slip to the floor. Gary bit back a laugh as boy turned on him, eyes narrowed in annoyance. They lost their angered look as soon as they set their sights on him.

"Umm…hello?" he asked. "Are you looking for Professor Oak?"

"Yes. I believe I had an appointment with him today."

The boy frowned, pursing pink lips.

"I don't remember anything about the professor meeting with anyone in his schedule for today." He said, suspiciously.

"You're his assistant?"

The boy blushed.

"Well…ahm…sort of…"

Gary arched a brow.

"'Sort of'?"

"Well, Professor Oak doesn't really need an assistant, seeing as he's got an apprentice. I'm really just here to help out." He paused. "I suppose, if that's the case, then I am something like an assistant. Except I don't help out with the actual work. Just filing away important notes, taking down something either Professor Oak or Tracy can't do at the moment, making sure no pokemon has been forgotten. You know; little things scientists often forget because they're so busy with their work?"

Gary nodded, but didn't say anything. He didn't particularly care what the boy did. All he cared about was that he was attractive and whether or not he could weasel him into his bed sometime at all during his stay.

"I'll just go call him and check," the boy said. "He may have forgotten to tell me, so that may be why it's not in his diary. Who should I say is calling?"

"His grandson."

The reaction was immediate. The boy instantly froze, whipping his head around to stare in disbelief with huge chocolate brown eyes.

"Gary?" he yelped. "Gary Oak?"

"Yes?" he said, slightly uncomfortable with the stare he was getting. "Why? Do you know me?"

The boy's mouth flapped open and shut a couple of times before he finally settled on shaking his head in exasperation. A humorless smile was on his lips as he stalked from the room, muttering under his breath.

Thought slightly perturbed, Gary decided to follow. The way the boy looked at him was as though he once knew him, personally, and hadn't had a good past with him. He wouldn't put it past him. He had been plenty rude to many people in the past and though he _had_ changed, for most the damage had been done and he had left a lot of hurt people in his wake. If this boy was one of those people, he didn't want him to saunter off and instead tell his grandfather that a thief or con artist had managed to sneak into the building. He didn't want to have to deal with his grandfather's version of security (which happened to involve a Nidoking, a Charizard and a Scizor).

But the boy had led him right to another person; one he could clearly see was an older Tracy. The man was currently busy with something or other, as he was scribbling down notes furiously and whispering to himself. But it looked as though it were all normal to the boy, for he did nothing but pull the paper away.

"Hey! I was busy with that!"

"Professor Oak has a guest."

Tracy raised a brow. The boy's tone was so brusque it caught his attention. Obviously he had some sort of bad past with this person.

"Oh?" he turned and glanced at Gary. "Who is he?"

"Gary."

"Gary Oak?"

"Who else?" with that, the boy returned his paper and strode to the door back to the previous lab. Tracy leapt up, suddenly in a tizzy.

"W-wait! Don't you…I mean…you could…"

"No thank you. I have work to do." And he closed the door with a firm slam.

Tracy sighed, brushing back his long hair.

"Oh, dear." He muttered. But the worried look was quickly replaced with a warm smile as he ascended on Gary with a welcome handshake. "Welcome back, Gary! I was wondering when you were coming back to work with you old man."

"Thanks, Tracy. It's really good to be back."

"You've just finished your final year?"

"Second and final."

"Wow! So you're really going to work as a full time scientist and researcher, huh?"

"Of course. That is, unless you're intending to take over?"

Tracy waved a careless hand.

"I go wherever I'm needed. I don't seek to take over and settle." He smiled. "Well, come on, let's go find Professor Oak. No doubt he's gotten caught up in some research or other again. I'm assuming it's the flames that are external on fire pokemon…"

"Great." He paused, looking back at the door behind him. "Just a quick question; who was that guy?"

"Humm?"

"That boy who's supposed to be granddad's assistant." He clarified. "Who is he? I've got the feeling I know him."

Tracy's smile became thin and a little nervous.

"Well, you should. That's Ash."

Silence reigned supreme after that.

* * *

Apparently, as his chatty grandfather told him as he waltzed around a disgruntled Ponyta, Ash had decided to help him out at the lab while he waited to decide what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. Yes, he was now the Pokemon Master and plenty of strong trainers flocked to Pallet to get a shot at masterdom, but he had expressed that he wanted to do more than just sit, train and wait for wannabe masters to show up. He had been with them for over a year and Professor Oak had nothing but high praise for the boy.

"Absolutely _remarkable_ with pokemon, Gary…you wouldn't believe it, they trust and love him so _unconditionally_…hold still a little longer, dear…so very _helpful_ to me and my research…that's it…Tracy and I have come to _depend_ on him…so _kind_ and _helpful_…easy there, girl…couldn't do a _thing_ without him…"

Needless to say, he had come to resent and admire his old rival within a span of ten minutes.

"I get it," he groused. "So he's been here in Pallet since he became the Pokemon Master?"

"Hmm?" the grey hair professor blinked owlishly for a second. "Oh! Oh, yes, yes he has."

"Hasn't he wanted to go anywhere?"

"Well, you realize, Gary, that there are certain conditions to being a Pokemon Master." Oak said, his tone become factual. "For starters, the Pokemon Master must pick a place that every trainer knows where to find him should they desire to challenge him. Another one is that he can deny certain challenges, but those with a good record he cannot. And, as you can imagine, these days it's hard to find a trainer with more than eight badges, let alone a record of having competed in various league challenges."

"So, Ashy-boy picked Pallet Town as his home base," he simpered. "Unbelievable."

"Well, every one of his other friends has lives of their own, now," he said. "He believes it's only fair that he lets them to theirs and he get on with his."

Gary wanted to snark that that was very grown up of Ash to think, but wisely kept the words to himself. He would only be giving the old man more reason to praise the brat and he didn't want that.

"Okay, that's great, grandpa. But you did remember that I was coming, right?"

"Of course I did! I just forgot to tell Ash."

Gary grit his teeth in annoyance. He was getting a little sick of this display of dependence over his rival, who happened to be three years his junior!

"And?"

"I've got a room all ready for you. Just go find Ash; he'll take you to it."

He sputtered in indignity, tanned cheeks turning red, but Oak just waved him off and returned to ogling the Ponyta.

He had tried to find Tracy, but with even less success. He, too, was a researcher like his grandfather and was either holed up somewhere, talking to himself, or chasing after an irate pokemon that was trying to get the hell away from him. Ash, the assistant that they 'could not _do_ without' seemed his best bet. He was tired and hungry and he just wanted to settle in. Getting upset at his old rival who had attained the goal he had aimed for at the beginning wouldn't help anything.

He entered back into the lab and found Ash hovering over the desk, pouring over files and folders and placing small post-it notes in special little piles. He cleared his throat to get his attention, but this time Ash didn't jump.

"I heard you," he said. "I'll be with you in a minute."

"Will it really be a minute, Ashy-boy?"

He was pleased with the irritated frown.

"Keep up at pissy attitude and it'll be longer."

But he wasn't expecting a snap like that. The swearword had even caught him off guard to the point where he couldn't think of a proper retort. But by the time he managed to gather himself, Ash was done and walking over to him.

"Follow me."

Gary's eyes flickered over the shorter form, the old spark of childhood rivalry welling up inside him again.

"You wouldn't mind grabbing my bags for me, would you?"

"No," he said. "I do mind."

"Is that any way to treat a guest, Ashy-boy?"

"No, but you're not exactly a welcome guest, either."

Gary internally grimaced. He hadn't seen that one coming.

"Still, I'm a researcher in training and you're the assistant. You work under me." He felt gleeful at the rising red in Ash's cheeks, the old spark of rivalry filling him with a sort of life that he hadn't been aware he was missing. But instead of yelling, or a defeated grumble as well as reaching for his bag, Ash just turned and stormed out the room.

"Carry your own fucking bags, you lazy dickhead!" He growled. "I'm an assistant; _not_ a slave!"

Again, the sudden surge of profanity shocked Gary to the point that he almost forgot about his teasing. But he quickly cast it aside as a new side of Ash. After all, the boy was…what…sixteen by now?

"It's basically the same thing," he teased, quickly grabbing his bags and following him out and up onto the stairs.

"No, it's not. A slave _has_ to do what he is bid. I, as an assistant, can choose not to help you."

"But then you won't get paid."

"Not by you, I won't. Professor Oak pays me for helping him and Tracy even gives me little gifts now and then as thanks." He turned and gave a hardened glare. "Seeing as I know you won't be giving me anything _but_ stress, I don't have to do jack for you."

"We'll see," he teased, but Ash had apparently had enough and was quickly striding up the stairs.

"This is Tracy's room," he said, introducing the first door. "He prefers it because if he needs to make a run to do something he forgot he's right by the stairs. This is Professor Oak's study…"

"You mean his room."

"I know what I mean," he snapped. "And I mean that this is his _study_. Professor Oak's room is over there. He got so busy one month that by the time I managed to drag him out, his room had been covered with files and notebooks and even loose pieces of paper." He gave an exhausted sigh; obviously tired just thinking about the mess he had to sort out. "It took me a long time to sort that out, and by the time I was done he has settled in the other room. So it's now his study." He said, opening another door. "This is your room."

"It's clean."

"Yeah. Professor Oak may not have warned me that _you_ of all people were coming, but he did ask me to clean up this room and I suspected a new researcher was going to be staying with us."

"You make it sound like it's a bad thing."

"It's you, Gary," he groused. "Of course it's a bad thing."

"Aww," he crooned, dropping his bags on the bed and walking up to the other trainer. "Don't tell me I've got little ol' Ashy in a tizz by just being here?"

He reached up and brushed against his side. Before he knew it, his arm with hit back and he was pushed away. He stumbled back, more than surprised at the violent lash.

"What the hell?"

"Don't…don't touch me," he growled. Gary said nothing, more than a little confused on what had just happened. Ash, however, took in a deep breath, slowly let it out and calmed down. "There's a toilet at the end of the hall and the bathroom is just before that. My room is on the other end of the hall."

Gary's eyes widened.

"You _live_ here?"

"Yeah," he shrugged. "Mom has a boyfriend and I moved out because I wasn't comfortable staying with them."

Gary blinked, obviously not expecting such a turn of events. Things had changed, and he wasn't sure he liked them, too much.

"Well, if you need anything…I mean really need anything and not just some pathetic whim you have…you can find me in my room. Just knock first. Squall doesn't like it when people just burst into my room."

"Squall?"

"My Pichu."

"Oh."

"Well," he sighed. "See you at dinner."

With that, he closed the door on a very befuddled researcher.

* * *

That evening, Gary had decided he was going to forget what conspired. He had obviously missed a lot over the years he and Ash had been apart, but he saw no reason as to stop his usual tirade of teasing and belittling. Of course, he had been forced to tone it down once he realized Ash served dinner and he'd get some serious food poisoning if he kept up the nastiness.

A month passed and he completely forgot about the incident. Indeed, he remembered how panicked the raven-haired boy had gotten when his hand brush up against his side, and it was terribly difficult to overlook his sudden hardened attitude, but he mostly put it aside and categorized it as unimportant. Instead, he decided to work on getting under Ash's skin again.

He remembered when they were kids and how he used to say something and Ash would flush with anger and start yelling in anger. He missed that, and theorized that working as an assistant and being the Pokemon Master had pretty much strained all the fun out of the teen. Granted, the boy could cook like a wizard chef and he pokemon absolutely adored him, but it wasn't the Ash he remembered. So, he made it his duty to annoy, tease, undermine, belittle, demean and piss off the younger boy until he finally cracked and started behaving like the Ash Ketchum he knew.

So far, it had been working. He had gotten Ash red with rage numerous times and spitting out strings of profanity (along with a threat to poison him), but no declarations of being a master or demands of battle to prove he was better. Nothing he could remember. Professor Oak was oblivious to it all, seeing as Ash remained polite towards him and Tracy, but Tracy seemed to get very nervous whenever Ash blew his top. Gary felt a little guilty, but he wasn't worried. If anything, he gauged his level of reaction from Ash by watching the worry lines on Tracy's face. Cruel, he knew, but it was like science.

The only way to create a successful experiment is by adding a few drops of highly explosive solution.

* * *

Gary woke that Thursday morning to the usual smell of breakfast being cooked in the kitchens downstairs. Ash never did routine cooking so he never knew what he was getting unless he actually took a good whiff of the aroma. At first, he had teased him about his cooking. But once he found that there wasn't a single thing wrong with his meals, he began teasing him on how much like a housewife he was. Squall, his Pichu, oddly enough tending to react to him for that, so Gary kept his housewife comments to a fair minimum so as not to get shocked so often. For a baby-like pokemon, Squall could pack a punch!

He washed and dressed as always, casually strolling downstairs into the kitchen. Tracy was already seated at the table despite the fact that Squall was still setting it. Ash was by the stove, making omelettes. The rich aroma of grilled egg, bacon, tomato and mushrooms filled his nostrils and his stomach screamed in hunger. Indeed, Ash could definitely cook.

"Morning, Gary," Tracy greeted him. Squall gave his usual greeting, but Ash never said a word. Gary felt a smidgen of guilt; Ash used to greet him in the mornings, but the more he teased him the less polite he was becoming. Something told him he ought to stop, being nineteen and supposedly more mature, but he found that he couldn't. Not until he found that little boy who yelled at him and took on any challenge that was given.

"Morning, Tracy." He grinned as he seated himself at his set space. "Morning Ash."

"Morning."

"And how did you sleep?"

"Fine." There was a pause before he sighed in exasperation. "How did you sleep, Gary?"

"Aw, the way you ask that one would think you didn't care about me."

"I don't."

It hurt to hear that coming from his childhood friend's mouth, but he supposed he should have expected it.

Ash quietly dished up the omelettes and placed the condiments in the centre. Gary noticed he was oddly quiet this morning; somber, almost. He had a few choice snarks to get the other's attention, but he decided to keep them to himself for the moment.

"Isn't Professor Oak coming down?" Ash asked Tracy, pointedly ignoring Gary.

"No. I don't think he even left the Eevee pen last night," the older man sighed. "He's adamant in watching one evolve into either Espeon or Umbreon just to find out what real effect the time of day has on their evolution."

Ash nodded.

"I've always wondered."

"It could be that if Eevee is at a certain level to evolve, by default it would evolve into an Espeon. Personally, I think the night has a certain effect that adds darkness that replaces the psychic ability." Gary added, not wanting to be left out of the conversation.

"Hmm…maybe." Ash admitted, actually looking at him for the first time that morning. "Though I wouldn't know. I just look after the pokemon. I don't care much for the mechanics of how they evolve."

"And that's where you and I differ, Ashy-boy. You're happy just knowing the bare minimum while I work hard to find out these little details."

Tracy suddenly looked much more nervous than he had ever seen him before and Ash's eyes had a near murderous look to them.

"No, the only difference between you and I, is that you're a…" at this, he pointedly covered Squall's ears. "…a fucking jackass!"

"Oh come on, Ashy-boy. You're telling me that you wouldn't care for the reason why your Pikachu can only evolve when given a thunder stone?"

Ash visibly stiffed and froze. Tracy did, too, and was starting to look incredibly anxious.

"Hey…ahm…Ash," he nervously laughed. "I forgot to put out the bird pokemon's food this morning. Why don't you…you know…"

Gary frowned. Something was up. Something about his Pikachu.

"Hey…by the way, where is that little electric rodent?" he sneered. "Don't tell me he's frolicking in the fields with the other pokemon instead of sitting inside with _you_."

"Gary," Tracy begged. "Stop."

"Seriously, where is he? Or was it a she? I can't remember." He tittered, purposely ignoring the other researcher plea. "But he was attached to you at the hip. You didn't outgrow him, did you? Because think of how sad and lonely he probably is at this very mo…"

A plate smashed into the wall. Bits of tomato and egg spattered against the clean white wall and fell to the floor, their squishy noises masked by the tinkling of ceramic.

Gary's eyes were wide as he stared in horror. Ash had just thrown the plate into the wall. Ash Ketchum, the sweetest little loser he knew, had just thrown a plate. Into the wall.

"A-Ash…I…"

"Shut up!" he screamed, sweeping his cutlery off the table. "Just shut up! ShutupshutupshutupshutUP!" And he did just that. He couldn't do much else. He was pretty much frozen to spot, even as Ash glared at him with furious eyes behind a wash of thick tears. He didn't even move as the boy ran from the room with an upset Squall chasing after him.

He had never seen Ash like that before.

Never.

"Oh, for the love of all that is…what the hell were you thinking, Gary Oak?"

He jumped. Tracy was now glaring at him, his cheeks red and his hair in a disarray as though he had just roughly ran a hand through it.

"I…I…"

"Why the hell did you do that? Is there something about him that you personally don't like?"

"I…" he swallowed hard, his stomach churning unpleasantly. "I…I just…wanted to tease him…"

"There's a huge difference between teasing and demeaning," he growled. "And you've been doing the latter since you got here."

He suddenly scowled, not liking the sudden gall of the older researcher.

"So what? It's not like I mean it, or anything. That's how we always worked. That's the way our rivalry worked."

"You? A researcher rivals with an assistant that just so happens to be the Pokemon Master?" he snorted in derision and Gary felt his cheeks heating with shame and loathing.

"So what? He didn't have a problem with anything before. Why the hell did he flip out as soon as I mention that fuzzy yellow rat?"

"Don't…Gary, just don't." he growled and he was shocked to see his fists clenched tightly and restrained on his thighs. "Please, don't say such things about Pikachu."

He opened his mouth to say something else, but something in his gut told him not to. Now was not the time for scathing remarks. A quick flashback of the hurt in his old friend's eyes with thick rivers of tears flowing down his cheeks solidified his decision. He even started to feel guilty and a little out of place.

"Tracy?" he asked, a little more nicely. "Where is Pikachu?"

Tracy growled in frustration before running his hands anxiously through his hair a couple more times. Gary could see that something really big was actually up and was starting to doubt ever picking on the raven-haired boy.

"Gary, what I say now is in total confidence." He said. "You don't tell anyone else about this and you definitely don't bring it up in any manner of casualty, understood?"

Gary could do nothing but swallow hard and nod. His stomach was starting to feel like it was turning into a big ball of cement.

"Well, you see," he sighed. "Pikachu is…dead."

Blue eyes widened in disbelief.

"Dead? But…"

"Just listen, okay.

"Ash and Pikachu were coming back from a colony of other Pikachu. Apparently, the town Ash had been staying in for a while had its own little colony of Pikachu on the outskirts and his Pikachu had found a mate.

"I don't know what happened then, but it happened while he was coming back. Team Rocket decided to make another attempt at capturing Pikachu. As usual, there was the normal banter and the fight for Pikachu. But that's where it all went wrong."

Gary swallowed. He had met Team Rocket before; Jessie, James and a Meowth. They weren't so tough and as little as he'd seen them they seemed awfully fond of Ash and seemed to more steal Pikachu because it was something of a routine. They didn't look like their hearts were 100% in it.

"There's another duo in the Team Rocket syndicate; Cassidy and Butch, and they decided they were going to catch Pikachu for their own glory.

"I don't know what really happened. All I know is that there was a huge scrap and I think either Cassidy or Butch pulled out explosives; I know it wasn't Jessie, James or Meowth. Ash was the main target. You know; take out the trainer and the pokemon won't have a reason to stay out of their clutches? But Pikachu got in the way and sacrificed himself."

Gary stiffened and his stomach felt like it had sunk into the bottom of his loafers while he heart jumped into his throat.

"H-h-he…he sacrificed himself?"

Tracy nodded somberly.

"Ash saw the whole thing. He got seriously injured, alright, but Pikachu bore at least 60% of the brunt of the explosion. I don't know what happened with the two Team Rockets, but Ash's mom suddenly got a phone call that he was in hospital with severe injuries." Tracy sighed, appearing more tired and worn. "They stayed by him the whole time he was in hospital. He underwent surgery numerous times and almost died a few. The only thing that kept him going was Pikachu's child; Squall. He was still an egg. I don't know why Pikachu didn't stay at the colony with his egg, or why they were taking it back to Pallet with them, but it was there and it was the only reason Ash wanted to go on living."

His throat felt tight. The world suddenly seemed awfully surreal. Ash…die? The thought was preposterous! That brat had been on so many adventures, faced many life threatening situations…and he almost died thanks to a homicidal faction of Team Rocket?

"How…how long ago…?" he couldn't finish.

"Just a year."

'Oh, fuck.'

"A year?" he yelped. "But…but…shouldn't he be in therapy, or something? It's his Pikachu, for Christ's sake! He meant the world to him!"

"Ash threatened to run away and never contact anyone who knew him if they forced him to," Tracy said, taking a sip of his tea. "I know it hit him hard and hurt him a lot, but he believes this is the best way for him to deal with it. He's not ignoring it," he quickly amended. "Just…focusing on his other passions while he works it through."

Gary swallowed thickly.

"I can imagine they almost took away his title, huh?"

"Ash wanted them to. But there was a majority vote that he stay as Master until either a worthy master comes along, or if he starts becoming seriously affected." He paused. "It's been okay, so far. Any challenger that comes along he fights and acts like the Ash we all once knew."

"But has he really been thinking about it? I mean; the incident." Gary insisted. "I mean, it can't be healthy to go on as thought everything's okay."

"He says he gets this therapy from the pokemon," he assured him. "And Professor Oak says he can confirm it. Since he started working as an assistant, interacting with the pokemon has released him slightly out of his depression. We were all worried that he would edge towards suicide," Gary's breath hitched here. "But Squall is important and he does his utmost to make sure he's happy and healthy."

"Homage to Pikachu."

"Something like that."

Gary's head now felt both light and thick with guilt. All this time, Ash had been battling serious depression and deep issues and he had been being…oh, who was he kidding? He had been an absolute jackass!

"Hey, Tracy?" he asked after a few moments. "How come Ash was so quiet this morning? Normally, he's chatting away…" even if it wasn't to him.

Tracy gave him a wry smile, nibbling the edge of the omelette. It was obvious the little display in the kitchen made him lose his appetite and Gary didn't blame him a bit.

"Because today is exactly a year since Pikachu's death."

'Double fuck.'


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Waking Up

Part Two

Author: Red Kasei

Fandom: Pokemon

Rating: T

Warning: yaoi and swearing

Pairings: Shishi (Shigeru/Satoshi) or Gary/Ash

* * *

He had never felt so guilty before in his life. He hadn't meant to make his rival hurt like that. But he hadn't known. He supposed he could have questioned why Ash had such a change in attitude as opposed to his constant optimistic and openly happy nature, but he knew he wouldn't have answered him. So, he couldn't ask and he wouldn't have been given a decent answer due to the sensitivity of the matter. This put them at a stalemate.

He supposed he would have pissed off and made Ash snap at some point, but he didn't think he'd actually hit a particularly painful spot. Gary could sympathize that if his Umbreon died in the same manner of protecting him and he had seen it happen, no doubt he would also be traumatized and want nothing more than to keep all pity and useless 'I'm sorry's at a distance.

Gary had never felt this guilty before. Well, not since he had been cruel and verbally abusive to Ash to chase him away, but that had been fleeting and it was done to cover up his secret. Ash was still something of a friend despite being a rival first and foremost and Gary felt that he owed him a lot more than snide comments and a bad attitude. So he was going to apologize to Ash.

But three weeks later and he found that his guilt was wearing away to frustration. Ash was avoiding him. It was to be expected; after all, he made him cry and hurt him in a way he hadn't done so before (at least, not since Ash was seven). It was only fair that he should keep him away as punishment. But he had been ignoring Gary, and despite knowing he deserved as much, he _hated_ being ignored.

Especially by Ash Ketchum.

It didn't help his temper when the pokemon he was working with refused to co-operate with him. Obviously, Ash had told them his mournful story and everything that had happened and now they were making sure Gary suffered. The Swinub were plenty more active and ran around like there was a fire somewhere, wasting four days of attempt at research. The Snorlax and Skitty seemed to be in cahoots with each other, as any attempt on finding what food the Skitty were more partial to were eaten by the Snorlax (Gary was still wondering how he and his grandfather had missed five, huge lumbering pokemon strolling into the labs)!

And if Squall hadn't liked him before, he really had it in for him, now. He wouldn't sabotage his research like all the other pokemon did, but it was still bad on Gary's behalf. There was something very creepy about opening the bathroom cabinet to get out the shaving cream, only to close the door and see the Pichu staring right back at him in the mirror. Not to mention closing his eyes while he was relaxing in the bath, only to open them because he had this suspicious feeling he was being watched and finding Squall sitting in the tub with him; cheeks sparking.

So, he had more than one motive for finding Ash and apologizing. The most important was because he felt terrible for being such an asshole, but he also wanted the pokemon to stop acting out.

And hopefully to get Squall the _hell_ away from him! That thing was evil!

But three weeks and he hadn't gotten anything. He had tried leaving post-it notes with his apology stuck on Ash's door (and wherever else he felt the boy would look), only to watch as it was ripped off and crumpled into a ball; unread. He had tried to do little nice things, like cleaning up after himself or making a sandwich for the boy when he was swamped with work, but he had been promptly ignored and his Samaritan deeds went unnoticed.

And it was frustrating beyond belief!

* * *

That Monday morning Ash had reminded Professor Oak that he was taking the day off. Gary had been surprised, but Tracy warmly wished him a relaxing day. Ash hadn't had a day off since he arrived. There went his attempts at making it up to him again.

By the time lunch rolled around, Gary was feeling incredibly angry. Sure, there was no reason for Ash to tell him about his day off and what he planned on doing, but he still felt mad for being ignored. He had been his oldest friend! Ash Ketchum never behaved like this with anyone and despite the voice in the back of his head reminding him he deserved it, he still felt pissed for being treated the way he was. Hadn't he been making an effort? Didn't anyone see that?

"Gary?"

He jumped, his grandfather's voice pulling him out of his furious thoughts.

"Oh! Hey, gramps."

"Just what are you thinking about?"

"Huh?"

"You had this really ugly look on your face for a second. Like you were planning on hurting someone."

He flushed, a little ashamed.

"It…it's nothing like that, gramps."

"Aah."

Professor Oak toddled over to the chair directly opposite the one Gary was seated in. Gary tried to ignore him, attempting to read his notes on what he suspected put people to sleep when a Jigglypuff sang and why, when they were just entertaining, did it not happen. But the moments stretched on and the silence grew somewhat oppressive. His arms felt like they were wet noodles and he suspected something bad was coming.

"I heard what happened with Ash."

His heart started thudding.

"It…I…I didn't know," he said. He was sorry, despite being pissed at being ignored.

"I know," he said, surprising his grandson. "That's why I don't blame you. Though, you must admit, you should have known your teasing would have had some similar effect one day. You did it so often and so callously I was always pleasantly surprised when Ash had something nice to say about you. Maybe a bit grudgingly, but it was still a compliment of some sorts."

His feelings were becoming like a layered dessert; guilt at the bottom and anger being lathered on top.

"Look, it was stupid of me…"

"Of course it was," he admonished. "You're nineteen years old! You're going to be twenty soon! And you still treat him as badly as you did that Valentines Day." Gary winced and it wasn't hidden. "I thought you would have grown up and out of that childish phase. I don't even know what inspired your sudden change of heart when you two told everyone your plans of becoming Pokemon Masters and traveling together."

"I…we…"

"But you hurt him then, Gary. You made that poor boy cry. I could overlook it when you were ten because you were nearing your teenage years and I expected changes. But now…now you are a young man who is experienced and should know better. If you are jealous because he's a Pokemon Master, then I can understand. But reverting back into a nasty, complicated ten year old…really, Gary. I thought you were raised better than that."

He could find nothing to say to that. His head hurt slightly and he felt as though he had let a lot of people down by being nasty and selfish. Instead of protecting them, he had been hurting.

"Looks, gramps, I know why I did what I did when I was a kid," he said softly. "Thinking back on it, I could have handled it a lot better but, hey, I was a kid and I just did what I thought was right.

"And, yes, you're right, I should know better and I am slightly jealous that Ash is the Pokemon Master, but that's only because he's gone and fulfilled his dreams while I'm still stumbling through mine. And he's only sixteen! You can't blame me for that."

"You're right. I can't. But I still don't understand why you were horrible to him as you were when you were children."

"It's a habit, gramps."

"A very bad habit."

"Yeah." He wasn't going to deny it.

"But I have seen you attempting to apologize."

Gary whipped his head up, amazed that someone had noticed.

"Yeah, but Ash won't even look at me, let alone the notes I send."

"Well, maybe you should stop being so passive."

"Huh?"

"Come now, Gary. You spend months actively teasing the boy and now you just sit back, sending little notes and doing miniscule things as though that will heal everything? It doesn't appear like much of an apology when you purposely went out of your way to put a little misery into his life."

"Thanks, gramps," he growled. But the message got across. "So, you're saying I should be actually go out and apologize to his face?"

"It wouldn't be a proper one if you didn't. Sending little gifts is similar to saying you're sorry. Except because you're not there and saying it, it seems more like you're sorry but you're not going to stop being rude. Saying it directly to someone allows them to see for themselves just how badly you feel and that you do mean it."

Gary nodded, understanding dawning in his eyes.

"Okay. I understand now, gramps." He smiled. "Thanks."

He received a warm smile in return and he felt his heart lighten a bit.

"No problem, Gary. I just want to see you two get along."

He shifted off the chair and started to hobble to the door when he suddenly stopped.

"Oh, and just out of curiosity; what made you suddenly change your attitude that Valentines Day?"

Gary's eyes widened and his heart plummeted back down.

"I…erm…I can't…remember. I'm sure it was something stupid, though." But his tone wasn't convincing. Thankfully, Professor Oak just smiled and let it go, hobbling out the door.

Though he was grateful for the help, it didn't help his nerves in the slightest. That, and coupled with his reminder of his blunder on Valentines Day…he wasn't sure he could go through with it!

'No, Gary!' he mentally chided. 'You know what happened on Valentines Day and you know you were rude and horrible because you were a coward! Yeah, you were scared, but you chickened out and look what happened. You lost a good friend. You could have always gone back and said you were sorry, but you didn't because you were a fucking coward! And you lived in regret with that one, didn't you? Yeah, it hurt to see him getting along with other people and making better friends, didn't it? And you knew you could have always just apologized and he would have instantly taken you back into his life and made you his number one priority again. You knew that. But you didn't because you were a fucking chicken. And now you're an adult and still pulling this crap?'

It was true; he didn't deserve Ash's attentions. He was getting all that he deserved, especially seeing as he royally screwed things up between them. But he was still scared. In truth, what did it boil down to? Which was he more scared of? Was he scared of apologizing and being belittled, something he knew he had coming to him. Or was he more scared of losing any resemblance of a relationship with that little boy who had doted so much time and attention to him?

He shuddered violently at the thought. He had been horrified to find out that Ash had almost died, as it just seemed so impossible that the boy could just disappear from his life like that. But to imagine his old friend, that sweet raven-haired boy ignoring him as though he never put plasters on Gary's scrapes and ignored his own, as though he had never shared any of his candy with him because he was his best friend…that hurt and scared him a lot more than facing a scathing tongue lashing for his belated personal apology.

Gary needed him in his life. He had always been there. He had screwed things up once because he was stupid, but now he knew better and if he didn't want to lose what little he had left, then he would have to suck up his pride and take whatever Ash threw at him. It was going to be a lot, if he thought back on the years of horrible things he had said, but he deserved it.

Ash deserved it.

* * *

He had ignored his work for the day in favor of working to make a good and sincere apology to Ash. He bought flowers and ordered expensive take out and had even bought a bag of finest blend coffee. It was the one new thing about Ash he hadn't commented on because he found it rather endearing. His Ash was a caffeine addict and couldn't manage the day without a cup in the morning. He knew they were little things and couldn't possibly make up for the damage he had done, but he hoped they would at least get his foot in the door.

By seven 'o clock he was waiting in Ash's room. He couldn't knock because he wouldn't let him in, so he had to wait for him. His leg bounced uncontrollably in anxiety, but he remained seated at the desk. He was going to apologize and he wasn't going to leave until Ash had heard it.

Fortunately, or un-, he didn't have to wait long. Ten minutes later, Ash strolled into the room, completely unaware of the man seated at his desk. However, when Squall trotted in after, he instantly hissed and started sparking. Ash jumped and turned to face the intruder, eyes widening when he noticed it was Gary.

"What do you want?" he snapped.

"Look, Ash," he started, slowly getting up. Both pokemon and trainer were a little high strung on finding someone in their room, so he decided not to make any sudden movements. "I just wanted to talk."

Onyx eyes stared at him for a moment before they relaxed a little.

"About what?"

Gary's shoulders slumped a little in relief. At least he was waiting to hear him out before throwing him out. That was a good sign.

"Well, about what happened that morning? You know; the one a few weeks ago?"

"What about it?"

He sighed.

"Look, I know you won't believe me when I tell you I'm sorry," he quickly brought up a hand when Ash opened his mouth. "And I understand! I do. I mean, I've been a complete ass since I arrived I think that even I would have a hard time believing me if I was in your shoes." Ash nodded, arms crossed and posture tense, but he was still listening. "But I really am sorry. I didn't know about what happened before. I mean, I should have been a lot nicer seeing as we're now older and all, but…I don't know. I guess I was so jealous of you that I ignored the changes."

"Changes? What changes?"

"Well, little things, you know? Things like you'll actually swear and throw things at me rather than take the bait," Ash gave a tiny smile and Gary felt his heart lighten. "Things like that. I mean, cooking and coffee I just gathered you acquired as you grew up, and I figured becoming an assistant and doing something other than training was just one of your things. You always liked to help out, so this seemed like nothing."

Gary swallowed hard. His mouth felt he had been sucking on cotton wool and his legs refused to stop quivering. He hadn't made a formal and sincere apology to anyone since he had thrown a rock at Ash's head. He really had felt bad about that.

"Gary, get to the point."

Obviously Ash was as uncomfortable with the situation as he was.

"Ash…what I'm trying to say is…I-I-I'm…" he swallowed hard. "I'm _really_ sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I mean, I know how much you loved Pikachu and how fantastic you were as a team. I always used to envy you because you had that special connection with him that I made no effort to make. Only after the Indigo League did I think seriously about it and that's only when Umbreon and I bonded. You and he were bonded right from the beginning, and saying what I did was cruel!

"Ash, I really am sorry. I didn't know what had happened and if I did I'd be admiring you, instead. You're strong enough to go on and move, even if it still hurts. If it were me or anyone else I know; I'd be locked up tight away from the rest of the world because I wouldn't be able to handle it!

"Truly, Ash, I'm sorry. I know it's a lot to ask you to forgive me and I'll go down on my hands and knees and even lay flat on the floor if I have to, but…will you ever forgive me?"

The words had just come tumbling out. Gary never knew he could speak so honestly like that and was amazed at even though how messy the words were strung together they still carried his raw sincerity.

All throughout his outburst, he watched as Ash's pretty eyes went from hard onyx to soft, glittering pools of ink. His posture had gone from firm and stiff to slumped in defeat and Gary could see the exhaustion in his body. He really looked like someone who had been trying to move on, but could only hide how he really felt. He was obviously devastated, and Gary felt guilty that his words had reopened those wounds Ash has been trying to heal.

"Oh, Gary," he sniffled. "You big idiot! Of course I forgive you!"

"Y-you do?"

"If you didn't know, how can I stay mad at you? You really didn't know." He sniffled some more, making his way to the bed to sit down. Gary inched close until he was a couple of steps away.

"I didn't. If I did…"

"I know, Gary. And if Pikachu were still…" he choked and paused to pull himself together. "If he were still alive, your taunts and words would mean nothing because that's just what you do. You've always been that way."

'Not always,' he thought, very ashamed of himself. "But you've come a long way. You're dealing with it better than I know anyone could."

A dark chuckle broke through the quiet.

"I'm not." He admitted. "I may look it, but I'm really not."

"How so?" he dared to ask.

"I just keep myself busy. If I keep myself busy, then I won't think about it. But," he sighed, allowing Squall to leap into his lap and nuzzle and croon sympathetically into his belly. "It can't be helped at night. I've got sleep to recover from the busy day, and I know that. But I hate sleeping because I always see it happening." He shuddered. "I always see Cassidy throwing the bomb, laughing. I always see Team Rocket's look of horror and when I look down…"

He choked, this time bringing up a hand to cover his mouth. Fat tears sprung from his eyes and dropped to his jeans and Gary was by his side in and instant.

"You don't have to…"

"…there's blood. Just…everywhere! I can't move because my left side was hit and when I look down I see the bone of my ribs with bits of shrapnel and blood and torn flesh. But when I look at Pikachu…" the tears rolled faster and Gary put his arm around him. Even Squall started to whine in a pleading manner. "H-he's completely d-d-dismembered! His body is blown apart and all his intestines are everywhere and his arms are bent at odd angles and his head…his head is right in front of me, and it's dead." The tears rolled down his cheeks and he started sobbing. "He's dead!"

Gary pulled Ash against him, cradling his head in his neck and rubbing his back, making soothing noises. Squall even nuzzled into his chest, making noises that were a mixture between an anxious whine and a soothing croon. Ash's body shook with the intensity of his sobs and Gary couldn't help the fresh wave of guilt from crashing on him again. It didn't matter that he hadn't known; he felt terrible for not seeing this in the first place. Ash had once been his friend, and even when they were rivals competing to get into the Indigo League, he could read the younger boy like a book. To not be able to see the hurt; to see that something was wrong with the first different reaction…he was ashamed to have believed he had any kind of relationship with the boy.

* * *

He wasn't sure how much time had passed since the boy collapsed into fitful sobs, but it had gotten dark. Squall had gone to turn on the lights, but Gary had stopped him, opting rather to pull Ash fully on the bed and lay with the exhausted boy. He had fallen asleep as soon as his cry was over, but Gary didn't have the heart to wake him. Squall seemed to agree, as he didn't even hiss when he was told not to turn on the lights. He just jumped back and curled in between the two trainers, nuzzling his nose into Ash's shirt.

It was only a little while later that Gary started to feel uncomfortable. He had never believed he would ever be this close with his best friend again, and he wasn't sure whether he should be pleased with it or worried. Ash's petit body fitted so nicely against his, even with the Pichu between them, and the constant rubbing of his shoulder allowed him to feel the baby soft skin of his arm. He was very tempted to slide away and out the room, but his conscious held him down.

'Oh no! You're not running away _this_ time! He really needs you now, so grow a pair, grow the hell up and stop acting like a fucking coward!'

"Hmm?" Gary jerked, looking down to where the voice came from. "Gary?"

"Hey, buddy," he said softly. "How did you sleep?"

"Okay, surprisingly."

"Oh."

Gary's fingers, against his will, started running through Ash's hair. He repressed a shudder, but couldn't suppress the voice that said it felt like it had all those years ago; soft, silky and all Ash Ketchum.

"Were you here the whole time?"

"Yup. I didn't want to leave you after what happened. It seemed kinda…rude."

"You could've, if you wanted."

"I didn't want to."

"Okay." He shuffled closer and gave him a hug. "Thank you."

Gary's heart was now pounding in his chest and the noise of the blood was thundering in his ears.

"You're welcome."

"Hey? Gary?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't think I need to go to a therapist, do you?"

"I think," he said carefully. "You should do what you believe is best for you. Not that I'm saying you should, but why don't you want to see a therapist?"

"Because I don't want to be treated like some patient with an illness. I'm sad because I lost my best friend. I hurt inside and someone telling that 'it's okay' won't make a difference because it's not. I hurt inside."

"Okay, I understand, but why doesn't any of your other friends know? I mean, like the red head from Cerulean and that guy from Pewter who always took care of you?"

"I don't want their pity." He said, snuggling into Gary. "They'll also dance around me and treat me differently and I don't want that. I know it's selfish, but I really don't want them to come around every week with some gift as though my scar is potentially life threatening. I've already gotten through that."

Gary nodded, mentally storing the information about the scar and decided to ask about it at a later stage.

"Okay, now I get it. But," he paused. "Look, I may be shooting myself in the foot, but if you didn't tell them, then why did you tell me?"

He sighed.

"I don't know. I guess it's because you treated me the same way when you got back, you know?" he looked up at him and Gary could see the white of his eyes shining from the lights in the backyard. "Even though I felt miserable and you often made me want to sneak into your room and gut you with a teaspoon, it was normal. You carried on as though nothing had changed and I liked that.

"But…I guess I told you also because I knew you wouldn't gush with sympathies. You'd listen and all, but you wouldn't baby me, you know?"

"How can I? After hearing about all that you've been through and remembering how strong you were throughout my nastiness; I don't think there's any reason for me to baby you!"

Ash giggled and laid his head back on Gary's chest.

"Hey, Gary?"

"Yeah?"

"Do…you think we can be friends again?"

Gary blinked.

"Huh? I thought we were."

"I mean, before…before _that_ happened."

Gary blinked once. He blinked twice. Then it struck him and his mouth formed an 'o' and he looked away in shame. If Ash called it 'that' then it was obvious what he had done had seriously hurt the boy. Guilt welled up in his belly again before he was brought back to Ash on his chest.

"You still think about that, huh?"

"Not really. I just know that's when things changed." He shuffled. "Okay, so maybe I _do_ think about it a bit, but only because I often wished I knew what I did wrong so I could find a way to fix it."

"Ash, it wasn't you," he confessed. "I said…and did…some really bad things to you and I did it for a selfish reason. It had nothing to do with you, so you couldn't fix it. Really, that was entirely my fault."

"Still, surely there was something I could have said or done…"

"You would have made it worse." He said with a shake of his head. "Believe you me, there was just something about you that drove me wild and I guess my teenage hormones got the best of me." His conscious, the malicious bastard, sniggered. 'Pun intended.'

"You mean, like you thought because you were older you were better?"

"Something like that. I can't remember exactly what because it's so stupid."

He felt him nodding against his chest.

"But, can we go back to before them? When we were really good friends?"

"It bothered you that much?"

"I missed you, Gary."

His heart both exploded with joy and broke with that little sentence, and even though he knew it was a bad idea he found he couldn't say no. He couldn't deny that sweet little angel of the one little thing he desired most.

"Of course, Ash," he said, kissing his forehead. "I've grown up now. I'm not going to do anything stupid or selfish like that again."

He knew he couldn't promise, not when Ash 'squeed' like he did and threw himself happily onto Gary's larger body, but he would try. Even if it killed him, he was going to try.

* * *

**Red: I love torturing the semes ^u^**


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Waking Up

Part Three

Author: Red Kasei

Fandom: Pokemon

Rating: M

Warnings: yaoi, swearing and a lemon

Pairings: Shishi (Shigeru/Satoshi) or Gary/Ash

* * *

The next morning, everything seemed so much better. Ash cooed over the bouquet of orange honeysuckle and jasmine and squealed in positive delight at the take out and coffee. Even though the take out was cold, they ate together in the kitchen; Ash enjoying every bite of the meal. Gary had been very happy to see his friend back with an appetite.

Things improved for them thereon. Ash started returning to somewhat of the boy Gary remembered; smiling sweetly and bestowing his generosity on everyone and everything because of his good mood. The pokemon had returned to being as normal as ever, ready for research, and even some whom were harder to placate by nature were well behaved. Even Squall had started to warm up to the older man.

Both Professor Oak and Tracy had noticed this and though they didn't say anything, they were both pleased. Things were starting to look up in the Oak Residence.

But as much as Gary was thankful for another chance at a real friendship with his old friend and very happy because of it, it was also making him very anxious. He wasn't sure how long he could hold out until he did something very stupid again; something he was certain Ash would hate him forever for.

And it wasn't cruel words or an arrogant attitude. It was _worse_.

* * *

Three months after their little reunion, Ash had an accident. While helping a Squirtel retrieve his ball from the deeper section where the baby could not yet swim in, he got knocked over by a pair of squabbling Maril. It wasn't so bad, until one completely lost its temper and released an Ice Beam. The other Maril dodged, and though Ash wasn't directly hit the ice managed to creep along the water and froze him to the spot.

This caused panic amongst the pokemon in the pond, all of whom went completely wild! By the time Gary and Tracy arrived, Ash was nearing a hypothermic state. A Charmeleon and Flaeron were working on melting the ice, so getting him out wasn't too much of a problem.

Ash, as expected despite Gary's panicking, managed to pull through with nothing but a minor cold. Of course, that quickly changed over night to the flu. Rotten luck it may have been, Gary kept reminding his friend that it could be a lot worse. He could have been directly hit and that would have been the end of the current Pokemon Master. Even Squall was adamant in reminding his master that he was lucky to be there; he continually rubbed his cheeks against Ash's and nuzzled into his belly, forehead and underarms with a vigor that Ash seemed to understand as an affectionate chiding.

It had only been two days since the Pallet's doctor advised a week of solid rest, warm foods and plenty of liquid and already both Professor Oak and Tracy were falling apart. Gary just came to realize how much he did for them when he found his grandfather buried under a pile of papers and notebooks, claiming he had left his tea somewhere under all that mess! Tracy was a little better off, but Ash's near brush with death and his sudden illness worried him greatly and he continually made stupid mistakes because his mind was distracted.

Luckily, Ash's mother was there to help. As soon as she heard that her baby was sick with the flu she was over within a heartbeat. In fact, Gary was certain he hadn't even finished the call to her house when she was knocking on the door. Ash wasn't so keen on having his mother baby him (much to Gary's amusement), but he was willing to do everything she said in order to get better.

"I don't see why you don't just take a little break, dear," she said one afternoon as she was serving him hot leek soup. Gary was fluffing his pillows and propping him upright.

"Mom, we've been over this," he sighed. "I can't take a break. You've seen Professor Oak; I haven't been downstairs but I'm sure he's going half out of his mind trying to find his glasses that are always perched on top of his head!"

Gary sniggered and Ash grinned back.

"But everyone always needs you, dear," she sighed, setting the soup before him. "You don't let anyone take care of you."

"I'm fine, mom," he said, sniffling and wiping his nose with a hanky. "Really!"

"You should really find yourself a nice young lady to settle down with."

"Mom, I don't want to. I'm under twenty; I've got plenty of time."

Delia didn't answer. It was obvious her son's constant brushes with death brought out a lot of doubt in that statement.

But she obviously wasn't going to give up, either.

"What about that lovely Dawn girl? Or Misty, maybe?"

"Mom!" he whined, his cheeks turning pink.

"And if you don't like girls', there's always that nice Richie boy. Or maybe even that other boy who May likes; Drew."

"MOM!" his cheeks were now bright red and he started coughing after his little outburst.

Even though he had been amused with Delia's antics, Gary could not help but feel nauseatingly jealous at the thought of someone else courting Ash. His stomach bubbled and it did not sit well with him, but he repressed the feelings.

'It's not like _you're_ doing anything about it,' his conscious reminded him. It was true; he hadn't said anything about their past or why he was such a dick in the first place, but Ash didn't want to know. He was happy enough knowing that Gary didn't really hate him and that they were friends again. He didn't want to ruin it by dragging the past back into it.

He did make himself very useful, though. He helped Ash to the bathroom whenever he needed to vomit, and changed his wet, snotty handkerchiefs for him despite the younger boy's protest. He fluffed his pillows for him, got him juice whenever he asked for it and, on occasions when Delia wasn't around, got a cold cloth to sooth his feverish skin. Ash had often protested; insisting that he had more important things to do than look after a pasty skinned and sweaty kid in bed, but Gary always dismissed it. It was especially easy to do with a bowl of ice water and a cloth. As soon as that cold cloth touched his hot skin, he would sigh and anything else he had to say would be lost in that little bliss.

Gary knew he should have listened to Ash. He should have stayed away and only come by when necessary. But he couldn't help himself. A part of him wanted to make it up to the boy for being an asshole for nine years, to show him that he really did care. But another part of him, a fairly large part, wanted to put its proverbial foot in the door. To show him that he could care and provide for him and that he didn't have to do everything by himself. To show him that there was someone who would fuss over him when he was ill, or listen to him when he was feeling upset, depressed or out of sorts.

He knew he shouldn't have, but it was too late. Twelve years too late.

* * *

Wednesday afternoon found Gary in the kitchen, cradling a mug of strong coffee in one hand and his head in the other. Ash's health was improving quickly and Delia had declared that her son would be able to get back to what he loved doing within a day or so. It had only been over a week, but during that time he hardly left the younger boy's side.

And it was the beginning of his undoing.

"Gary? What on earth are you doing sitting like that? You're not getting sick, are you?" Delia queried, giving him a once over just to make sure.

"I've fine, Mrs Ketchum," he said. "I'm just a little tired." He yawned. "I fell asleep by Ash last night as I was reading to him and I only woke up a few hours later. I was still dirty and in my lab coat, so I had to wash first and all that before going to sleep in my own bed."

"You poor dear," she fussed. "Here, let me make you a nice lunch to pick you up a little."

"It's okay, Mrs Ketchum…"

"Nonsense! I insist!"

She was already taking out a number of vegetables and meats out the fridge already, and she had that look Ash had warned him about when they were still kids. She had that gleam in her eye that declared that no matter what anyone said, she was still going to do what she wanted. So he resigned himself and gave in.

"Thanks, Mrs Ketchum."

"It's not a problem!" she declared, yanking out a frying pan and setting it on the stove. "After all you've done for my little Ash, I should be thanking you!"

"I don't do much. You make him his food…"

"Yes, but you keep him company. You read to him, make him take his tablets, carrying him to the bathroom when he's sick and you even change his snotty hankies! Not even I can stomach that, and I'm his mother!" Gary chuckled at that.

"Yeah, well, I guess when you've been constantly rolling around in the dirt with him as a child, a snotty hanky is bliss compared to snot streaks on the sleeve of a jersey."

"Don't remind me…"

He laughed aloud.

"You know, I'm glad to see you two getting along so well again." She said. Gary frowned at the sudden change in tone, but listened on. "I remember when Ash came home, crying and telling me you hated him…how it made my heart ache.

"I know you were kids, and I don't know what happened and neither do I care. You were both children and I'm sure it was over something very silly. But I cannot tell you how much it hurt to see my baby heartbroken. And only at seven years old, too!"

Gary froze, his stomach turning to lead.

"H-heartbroken?"

"Oh dear!" she covered her mouth and quickly returned to frying the bacon. "I shouldn't have said anything. Just forget it," she laughed, obviously trying to cover up the little slip. "It's unimportant and in the past…"

"Mrs Ketchum," he paused and sighed. "What happened all those years ago was my fault. I got too cocky and rude and…very stupid. I knew I hurt him, but only now I'm actually beginning to see just how much. Please tell me; I really want to make it up to him."

She sighed, her breath coming out in a shaky exhale.

"I…I'm not sure if you could, Gary."

"Please, tell me at least. I was a really bad friend and…I guess hearing what hurt I've done to him is a sort of punishment as well as reminder. I don't want to do it again."

Delia turned and looked at him thoughtfully. He was struck for a moment at how different she looked; how much older she was. Ash was like her in many ways, except for his eyes. They were always open and easy to read; he was a boy who wore his heart on his sleeve and shared with anyone who needed a bit of love. Delia, on the other hand, was careful. She may have been open and cheerful, but she had the look of someone who had learnt a few lessons the hard way.

"Okay," she said, carrying on with her task. "Do you really want to know?"

"Please?"

"When Ash first met you, he declared that you were his best friend. It was funny, hearing that coming from a two year old, but children are children and my little Ash was funny in his own way. He was very attached to you, you know? It didn't surprise me, though, as he attached quite easily to people.

"But what did surprise me was how you attached yourself to him. You looked out for him and you two got along very well. Everyone in Pallet knew the two of you together, and whenever Ash used to come with me to the shops he would always ask to get something for the two of you, even though you weren't there.

"Ash had fallen in love with you. I don't think he even realized just what it meant, but he happily babbled on like a child in love. Everything about you was perfect; even when you annoyed him or whenever the two of you fought. He wanted to share anything and everything he could with you and he even declared that the two of you would be together forever." Gary swallowed hard; an obstructive lump forming in his throat.

"I thought it was a childish thing. But I was also worried. It couldn't have been healthy for him to focus all his attentions on you, and I asked him about other friends. He said you were different. He had other friends, but you felt like more. I asked him about liking girls', and he said they were okay.

"But when I asked him about how the two of you were going to spend the rest of your lives together, he…he smiled and said that he was going to be your wife."

The world started to buzz in Gary's ears. He couldn't have heard right, could he?

"I thought it was just my little Ash growing up. In a few years, when he's a teenager, he'll completely forget about all of this. I even thought he would forget about it after he came home, crying and telling me that you hated him.

"But I don't think he did. For weeks after your parting as friends, he wrote apology letters to you and fretted and asked me what exactly he had done wrong. You have no idea how mad I was at you at the time, Gary Oak. My baby was fretting and getting anxious and teary-eyed all because of you. I had to send him to a counselor who told me he was having an emotional breakdown. My Ash! An emotional breakdown at seven years old!"

Guilt soured in his gut and at the back of his throat, but he daren't interrupt.

"And I still don't think he's over you. He strove to become the Pokemon Master, not just because it was his dream, but because he had hoped it would change your mind. By the time he was taking on the Elite Four, I had finally given in and admitted that his young heart knew more than I did about who he loved and who he didn't, and I was determined to set him up with someone better!"

He winced at her declaration of someone better.

"So, I asked him about other possible girlfriends and boyfriends. I even managed to sneak in a few blind dates here and there, but Ash was always oblivious to the fact that they were dates and not…outings. I had pretty much given up.

"And then you show up. And you take of my baby all over again and…I'm just so happy. Losing Pikachu made a huge, traumatic impact on his life and he hasn't allowed anyone in since. He won't even let me touch him without flinching or knowing that I'm going to do so.

"And…oh, bother! I'm rambling!" she took in another deep breathe and let it out slowly. "I'm just very happy that you're here. That you're looking after him. Because I believe that he still loves you, but after so many years he probably doesn't remember. He reacts positively towards you, though, and that's how I know.

"He needs it. Ever since whatever happened when you were young, he's been very wary of letting anyone as close as he did you. Misty and May have tried asking him out, but he evades them. I don't think he wants anyone else but you, Gary."

She set the plate with bacon and avocado wraps in front of him, looking him straight in the eyes. His throat felt tight and his mind was reeling off a litany of profanity that was directed toward himself; mainly for being so selfish and stupid. But he was also panicking. He didn't know if she knew about his feelings towards all this, or if she was looking at him and searching for the answers. She wasn't angry with him, that much he was certain of. But he wasn't sure if she was waiting for some sort of acknowledgement or if she was waiting to hear what he intended to do about it.

"M-m-mrs Ketchum," he squeaked, feeling very mousy even though he was a full head above her. "I…I-I don't know what to say. I mean, I never knew so…I just…"

"Just tell me you'll take care of him."

The steady look she gave him said it all. She wanted it as a promise and to made sincerely. There would be hell if he lied and seven levels of torture if he didn't uphold it.

"I will." He was surprised at how easily the words came from his mouth, and he meant it.

Delia smiled at him, eyes wrinkling and beaming so happily. He had obviously made her day and he was somewhat pleased with himself. And the bacon and avocado wraps were rather delicious, too.

* * *

Now he realized that his childhood love wasn't unrequited. Ash had been in love with him far longer than he had and he had duly accepted it for everything that it was. That, in itself, was a blow to his pride, but he overlooked that as his little raven had proved time and time again to be more intuitive between the two of them.

But it didn't make things any easier for him. Gary had yet to get over that little hurdle that had kept from being honest about his feelings in the first place; namely his pride as a man. He had always prided himself on being able to get everyone around him hot and flustered, be they male or female, and he took even greater pride in the fact that he could keep them coming back despite the lack of attachment. Ash had been a blow to that in that it was Gary who couldn't keep his mind off him. He didn't have to do much, if anything at all, to make his heart race, his palms sweat and his mind conjure up a million different positions he would love to try out.

Yet, he was determined to get over that. It hadn't been fair to Ash to suffer because of Gary's insecurities and he was going to make up for all that. He knew he didn't deserve him, but if showing him everyday for the rest of his life that he truly did love him and he had been a fool to let him out of his sight for that moment was what he had to do, then he'd do it.

He had a very simple plan. He was going to go upstairs, present Ash with a bouquet of lilies and forget-me-nots and ask if he would like to go on a date when he was feeling better. It allowed him the space to back off if he felt Gary was being outrageous and gave him the freedom to say what he wanted without things being complicated.

"Hey, Ash?" he knocked on the door. There was a shuffling inside.

"Hello?"

"It's me, Gary." He paused and swallowed hard. "M-may I come in?"

"Sure!"

Ash was reclining on the bed. In his lap was a book; he had been reading. Gary, at first, thought he had disturbed him and his anxiety rose slightly. But on seeing the boy's face light up at the sight of him, he found some strength to carry on through rather than dump the flowers, turn tail and run.

"Hey, Gary!" he chirped. "Have you been busy? Both Professor Oak and Tracy says they haven't seen you in a while."

"Silly Ash," he smiled. "I was with you the whole time, remember?"

He blinked.

"You were? All this time?"

"Yes, but don't worry about it," he quickly said, quelling the protest he knew was going to come. "I wanted to. I had a feeling you didn't want your mom to baby you like you're about to die, so I decided to help out a bit."

Ash's blushed and Gary was sorely tempted to kiss those rosy red cheeks.

"Y-you really didn't have to. And flowers, too?" he yelped.

"I thought they might cheer you up. Your mom says that you can get out of bed in a few days and I had the feeling a few days would be a bit too long for you."

"Aw, shucks! You know me too well!"

He took the bouquet from him, smiling in utter adoration at the simple arrangement. Gary's heart thumped rapidly as he watched the childish face eye the flowers, tenderly touching the blossoms before putting it down on the side table.

"You think you can get me a vase? I don't want them to die before I'm out of bed."

Gary chuckled, but did as he was asked. On his return, he watched with even greater fascination at the loving way he handled the arrangement. It made his heart swell and his stomach knot. He really didn't deserve someone like him.

"There!" he chirped. "All so pretty! Thank you so much, Gary!"

He smiled, equally happy that he could brighten his day.

He sat on the edge of the bed, right next to Ash, and put his hand on his shoulder. This was it; he was going to ask him out. Nothing complicated; just movie, or dinner and a walk. Nothing fancy or seductive; they were just going out.

But as soon as his hand came into contact with the exposed skin on Ash's neck, the words that were went to come out fizzled out of existence. All his mind could focus on was how soft his skin was. It felt the same as it had when he was a child. Both were silent as his hand wandered up his neck. Ash shuddered slightly, but they both ignored it. His hand cupped his cheek, holding his face in place as he looked deep into his dark eyes. They were as he remembered it; dark pools of ink that somehow radiated happiness instead of sucking it in. But despite that happiness, there was a small streak of pain; of harsh lessons and realities that had left their mark and wouldn't be forgotten.

Gary's hand moved down. He was vaguely aware that it was trembling slightly as it cupped under Ash's chin. His thumb gently pressed down on full pink lips, fascinated at how lush and plump they were. His mind had been far gone already when he touched the boy, but it went right over the end when the lips parted and closed softly over his thumb.

Before he even realized what was happening, Gary found his lips pressed against Ash's and holding him flush against him. Of course, seeing as Ash wasn't fighting against him, his mind didn't bother coming back down. If anything, Ash was kissing back just as fiercely. Lips parted and soon slick tongues were battling for dominance; Gary's winning easily enough due to his greater experience.

As tongues curled and twined, he prowled forward, pushing the boy back to lie back on the bed. A muffled groan of pleasure indicated to his lust-fogged mind that everything was still okay, and he proceeded to let his hands get in on some of the action. They slithered down Ash's sides, gently stroking and coaxing new kittenish sounds from the body below him. They rubbed his belly and circled his belly button, causing hands that were twining through his hair to tighten and flex in pleasure.

Gary rolled his hips, thrusting his hardness into Ash's thigh. He wasn't too surprised to find it hard with muscle, but he was very pleased to find a hardness poking him right back.

He pulled away and his mouth resumed its motions as he nipped and licked his way down Ash's body, savoring the soft cries as he lapped at the salty tasting skin as his hands tucked under the waistband of his shorts and shimmied them off. Ash whimpered as his hot length hit the chilly air, but Gary was smitten. He had seen a few other penis's before, but he had never seen one as attractive as Ash's. It was pale and medium in all respects. But what fascinated him about it was how red the head was. In some perverse way, it reminded him of a cherry on top of vanilla ice cream, and he wanted to taste it. The precum drooling out the tip wasn't helping matter, either.

Without second thought, he closed his mouth around the member, relishing in the sharp gasp and the tensing below.

"G-G-Gary!"

He hummed, tongue gliding underneath and flicking at the head whenever he came up. The gasps turned into heavy panting and before he knew it, there were streams of hot seed shooting into his mouth. To Gary; it was delicious. He swallowed every drop, even suckling the cock clean after it was finished ejaculating.

Raising himself up, he took in the debauched appearance of his friend. Eyes were squeezed shut tightly and his cheeks, neck and chest were flushed a lovely rosy colour. He could feel his knees quivering around him and his chest heaved with every breath.

He couldn't wait. The sight was too much.

"Lube."

"Mmn?"

"Do you have any lube?" he growled, yanking off his shirt and pants. "KY jelly, lotion; anything that can lubricate?"

"Mao...I think…there's Vaseline in the drawer…"

He growled as he shucked off his underpants; his thick cock purple at the tip and demanding satisfaction. He yanked open the drawer and rummaged about, all the while keep his eye on the boy below him. He found the jar and spun off the lid. Dipping two fingers in, he scooped up a liberal amount and went straight for Ash's entrance. He hoisted his legs above his shoulders, exposing his rosy entrance. Ash was still coming back to earth, so the change in position wasn't noted under he felt something cool press against his anus.

"G-Gary! Wha…"

"Trust me."

And he did. Gary's heart started swelling up again at the fact that he trusted him so completely despite the fact that it could all be a one-time thing. But he wasn't going to let that happen. He knew this wasn't going to be a one-time thing.

He pressed his fingers and slid in deeply, watching Ash's face the whole time for any signs of pain. At first, Ash's brows furrowed at the intrusion. He wasn't sure what to make of it. Gary slowly dipped his finger in and out, allowing the body to get used to the feeling. As soon as Ash was relaxed around his single finger, he slipped in another. He grunted, but said nothing more. A few slippery thrusts, though, and Ash started to rock with the fingers. A third finger was added, but this time there was only a slightly paused before he was pushing back.

"Oh, Gary…"

Nostril flaring and pupil's dilated, Gary drank in the sight as his crush fucked himself on his fingers. His cock was swollen again and bobbing with every movement and he found he could not stop his hand. It was only when Ash gave a very loud moan and his length twitched did he come back to his senses.

He slipped his fingers out, ignoring the whimper and slathered his cock as much as he could. He crawled back over him, keeping his legs over his shoulders and exposing him. Ash froze when he felt Gary's head nudge at his entrance, already feeling the vast difference in size. But his panicked look disappeared when Gary looked down at him and gave him a sincere smile; full of love and trust.

"If it hurts, tell me and I'll stop," he promised. "I won't hurt you, Ash."

"I know, Gary…"

He slowly entered, gasping at the sheer heat that he was being sheathed in. Ash tightened on him now and again, but after a couple more reassurances, he was fully seated in him. The heat was so intense, and even though he wasn't moving, the way Ash's velvet walls massaged him was enough to make him come by just being in him! But he stilled and waited for permission to carry on. It was given with a nod and a sweet smile.

Gary felt he _really_ didn't deserve him.

At first, the pace was slow. He rolled his hips slightly so he thrust in shallowly, allowing the boy to get used to the feeling. But soon the pace picked up, and it wasn't helped with Ash's whispered insistences to go faster and to give him more. Before either of them knew it, Gary was pounding Ash into the mattress; his chest against the other's with his head buried in the crook of his neck. He could feel Ash's short fingernails digging into the skin of his back and arm and it heightened the arousing sensation.

"Gary! Oh…ooh, Gary!"

"Ash…"

"Please…more…more…I…!"

Ash moaned as hot warmth spread between them, seeping between their bellies and hips. Gary would have reveled in the notion that he had made Ash orgasm without touching him, but as soon as he came, his muscles tightened around his cock and the heat became practically unbearable! He pistoned fiercely before coming with a strangled gasp; vision blurring and a strange high pitched noise ringing in his ears. When his orgasm was finished, everything just seemed to come back to earth and he sunk heavily against Ash.

"Mff…heavy…" he whined.

"Sorry," he panted, rolling off and slipping out. They both lay side by side, Ash cradled in Gary's arms; catching their breath.

It was only then that he realized what he had done and his stomach bubbled hotly in regret.

He had came to Ash with the intention of asking him out on a date! He was going to ask him out so they could get to know each other again and, hopefully, rekindle whatever love they had in the past! Sure, he had hoped that at some point their relationship would become more and it would eventually lead to hot, rampant sex. But this?

Gary was ashamed. He hadn't the slightest bit of control over his raging libido and he was ashamed. He knew that it was only Ash with whom he had no control over, but he believed that in order to prove his sincerity he ought to have a _certain_ amount! He hadn't even gotten to ask the question and he had already fucked him!

He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn't notice that he had started shaking. But Ash had and turned worried eyes onto him.

"Gary? What's wrong?"

"God…I'm sorry!"

The boy stiffened in his arms, but didn't move back.

"Sorry about what?"

"About…this. I didn't mean to…well, I wanted to and I was hoping we'd get there eventually, but this…I didn't think…" he stopped and took in a deep breath. "I'm sorry this happened. I…I had really only came in here to ask you out on a date."

Ash's eyes widened. He had initially thought that Gary was feeling guilt for having sex with him because…well…he was another notch on his belt, but because they were friends he felt bad about it. But this changed the perspective of things and Gary could see the wheels in his mind turning.

"You…y-you were going to…ask me out?"

He nodded.

"I wanted to…ugh! Why am I having such a hard time admitting this?"

"It's okay," he assured. "I'll wait. I'm listening."

He smiled.

"I know, Ash. And you make even more difficult when you say things like that." Black eyes blinked owlishly and he laughed, feeling a little more at ease with Ash's confusion. "Ash, I love you. I always have, since we were kids. The only reason I was ever a dick to you in the first place was because I was scared."

"But I loved you, too, Gary," he stated with a frown. "And I wasn't rude."

"Yes, but you're a better person than I am." He reasoned. "Besides, I don't think you wanted to start touching me in places that we were taught were private, did you?"

Ash's cheeks flushed and Gary could not help but grin wolfishly.

"You thought about me like that?"

"Ash, I wanted to do things to you; _adult_ things. At ten years old, I wanted to touch your little cock and kiss you all over." Ash gave a whimper and his cheeks were aflame. He obviously liked the thought. "But you were only seven and we were both boy's, so it scared the hell out of me."

He watched as Ash slowly nodded, understanding at last.

"So, the day I gave you that Valentines; you panicked because you loved me but you were scared?"

"Pretty much."

"But how come you still hung around me? I mean, not as a friend, but you insisted that I was your rival. How come you didn't just push me away and stay away?"

"Because…well, I guess even though I was scared of my feelings for you, I wanted to stay close to you. You know, in case anyone else ever tried to hurt you or take you away from me."

Ash smiled happily, if not a little sleepily.

"Aw, you big ol' softie!"

"Only for you, Ash."

He giggled but it was soon cut off with an enormous yawn. Gary was amused with the fact that despite everything that had happened to him there were still traits that just wouldn't disappear.

"Okay, Mr Oak," he said, snuggled deeper into his arms. "After I'm better, we can go on a date."

"Really? Even after this?"

He was slightly taken back by the stern look, but noted it had a hint of playfulness in it.

"Especially after this, Mr Oak, _especially_! Don't think you can get away from me after one good romping session. It was quite enough to convince me to stay with you for ever and ever, but not enough. I need some affection as well as good sex."

Gary grinned at the teasing and hugged him closer.

"Then I'll be sure to work extra hard to make sure I satisfy you, won't I?"

Ash giggled and nuzzled against his cheek, stealing a kiss as he did so. As soon as he settled down, he dozed off, leaving Gary to wallow in some of his thoughts. He knew he didn't deserve this; he didn't deserve Ash. But now that he was given the chance to prove that he did care; that he did love Ash and he didn't want him with anyone else, he was going to work to keep him.

'Christ,' his conscious muttered, but thankfully for the last time. 'It took you fucking forever to wake up!'

* * *

End.


End file.
